Clarity is a word I have tossed around, played with, fumbled over and meditated on.  Fear, procrastination and resistance are other words that come to mind as I seek to find meaning, not only in life but in death.

The food challenge, due to the cleansing and minimal nature of the meals, has started to bring me to a clearer state of mind. I have had very little dairy, virtually no animal products other than our own grassfed beef and pork, and one pizza that made me feel like I might die. I am also limiting my wine consumption, which is a challenge during stressful times.

I am also reading a book right now called the War of Art- Break Through the Blocks and Win your Inner Creative Battles by Steven Pressfield. I have never considered myself to be artistic, but he talks about any endeavor, be it artistic, entrepreneurial, health or wellness, can lead to resistance and procrastination. The book offers amazing insights, and it is one of those reads that makes you mad at yourself because the truth hurts and makes you think through your processes.

If you have been following me for any length of time, you know that 2014 was a horrific year. It started with legal and financial issues, culminated into some health issues for the man I love and ended with the death of my grandson on December 31st. From day 1 to day 365 was fraught with sadness, negativity and heartbreak. Through much of this time, I worked 80-100 hours a week. Sometimes I think that was to dull the pain, others it was to try to keep the financial boat afloat the best I could. I blamed others, became bitter and am still in a very dark and sad place.

Finding clarity, getting past resistance and pushing through to find what I really need to do from a work and life perspective is not right now just important but vital. Through the last couple of months, and especially the last couple of weeks, I have become very introspective and dissected my days, teasing out the things that create joy, the things I dislike and the things that must happen.  I have come to many conclusions. Some of the steps have been taken, and some need yet to happen.

I have rediscovered what I love. Yoga, cooking, wellness, research, writing, meditation and the ability to help others who are ready for the change are the things I need to be doing.

I have already very deeply streamlined my accounting work, to encompass only organizations with which I have a commitment to their cause or their product. Organizations I can from a moral and ethical perspective embrace and those who I know the work I am doing is meaningful.  I will continue to keep my accounting work to that level, not letting it overrun my days like I had been. Me, doing 12 hours a day of accounting work, creates a very sad, bitter person.

I am half way done with my Health Coaching certification through The Institute for Integrative Nutrition and it is time to start working with clients.  I want to work in a holistic way, not only the food, but mind, body and spirit. To help people clarify their goals, needs and desires in a healthy way.  I am also working on an additional yoga certification and will be completing my Reiki training over the next year as well.

Last summer, I completely lost touch with my restaurant, my love. I so enjoy cooking and serving quality food to our customers. I lost focus, spent to much time doing other things, and feel that we fell away from our initial goal to provide locally sourced, healthy, amazing food.  I am clearly taking that back this year, along with a garden to help supply some of our own produce, in addition to the meat we are already growing! Our hours will be limited, our menu brief, but when you come in you will have the best meal you have ever had. That is my goal.

I feel a sense of clarity, as I come to a place where I understand myself, and how I work best. Various tasks over the course of the day and week, that culminate to health and happiness. Sunshine, dirt, walking, yoga, mindfulness, cooking, meaningful accounting work, and finally, the culmination of all of this thought, and cleansing is to honor my grandson.

Research on the cause of Ben’s death, and how to prevent more babies from suffering this fate,  is high on my priority list right now, and we found a great organization in Minnesota that has a great start, the Star Legacy Foundation. They are working with a variety of researchers who work at a grass roots level to make a change.

I am considering creating a 501C3 in Wisconsin that encompasses and provides donations for that foundation to help the researchers in their work as well as following their lead for legislation to help identify ways to reduce the number of stillbirths in the United States.  After much consideration, I feel a need to widen my scope to include many of the wellness related activities that I enjoy and want to share as well.

When you see up close and personal how fleeting and fragile life can be, you start to see a clearer path for your goals. We are here today, but tomorrow is not guaranteed, so we need to make the most of our lives while we have the opportunity.

I want to include things like prenatal yoga, wellness coaching, yoga and mindfulness meditation for grief, cooking classes and a myriad of other services with a sliding fee scale. No one should be unable to find health due to financial limitations.

So within the realm of everything I find peaceful, cleansing, and helpful, I want to help others who are ready for change or healing.


Namaste for today,